I'm scrolling through Instagram. Instead of feeling inspired (how I want to feel) I feel icky with envy. A script from my monkey mind: 

"People are doing such cool things! They are pickling homegrown cucumbers and having farm to table parties and plucking tomatoes off their vines for gazpacho! I am so lame: I can't even keep a house plant alive." 

I'm envious because my thinking brain declares that I should be a gardener. Gardeners are cool and hip and earthy. Plus, I consume fresh vegetables in massive quantities; it makes logical sense that I would grow my own. But I can't commit.

For most of my adult life, alcohol was a lot of fun. 

I was a social drinker. I never considered that I had a problem with alcohol: I drank only on the weekends and didn't seem to have drastic negative side effects.  Perhaps because I am naturally an introvert, a glass of wine would give me a warm buzz that left me feeling confident, funny, lively, creative. I realize now that on many occasions I used alcohol as a crutch. I felt that drinking loosened me up, highlighting my more socially enjoyable features. Truthfully, I was disguising a confidence issue: I didn't think I was enough. 

I feel so fortunate to have found (after many years of trying EVERYTHING) a nutritional program that works for me. I eat an abundance of healthy fats and vegetables, moderate amounts of animal protein, and occasionally full fat dairy (like aged goat and sheep's cheese with Dry Farm's wine!). I love this food: it makes me feel healthy, energetic, and contentedly satiated. Maintaining my weight is effortless. I don't love labels, but for explanation's sake I follow a primal/keto lifestyle. 

I finally did it.

I have a special shelf in my closet that has housed the jeans I wore like a boss during my twenties. My husband loved the jeans, my friends complimented me when I wore them. I felt amazing. Except I didn’t. To wear those jeans I was following a very restrictive diet and exercising excessively. I was miserable, aside from the fleeting moments following a compliment. To wear those jeans I wasn’t living my life. I didn’t notice the beauty in the present moment,  instead I obsessed about what I was or wasn’t going to eat, how many calories I was burning. My fitness plan ruled my life.